-----------When Love Hurts

Dating and being in love can be a really exciting time in all our lives. Teens and adults alike may feel wonderful with the romance, adventure, and safety that often comes with a new partner. And yes, love can also be difficult and frustrating. However, that doesn’t mean love should have to hurt a person—physically, sexually, emotionally, or mentally.

Dating violence is a prevalent problem: As many as 1 in 2 dating women suffer abuse from their partners. Women ages 16 to 24 are most vulnerable to intimate partner violence and as many as 1 in 5 teenage girls will be affected by dating violence before they graduate high school. Dating violence can take many forms, ranging from being hit, pushed, shoved, or slapped by a partner, to being made to feel guilty or ashamed, to being forced to perform sexual favors. These acts are not about love, desire, or caring. They are about one partner’s desire to control another.

Common Characteristics of Abusive Partners

• They are controlling and want to make all of your decisions for you.
• They want to know where you are at all times and who you are with, and can be incredibly jealous.
• They lash out at you unexpectedly, and may yell, throw things, or hit you, or force you to have sex.
• What they want is more important to them than what you want.
• They frequently insult or make fun of you.
• They make you feel uncomfortable or afraid.
• They make you give up other parts of your life, such as friends, family, or interests, to keep them happy.
• They may threaten violence to either you or your loved ones.

How to Help Someone Who Is Being Abused

Love can hurt, but that doesn’t mean that violence should be acceptable in a dating relationship. Here’s how to help:

• Let the person know how you feel. Victims are often scared to talk about dating abuse because they feel that the violence is their fault. Reaching out—and letting your loved one know it’s not their fault—will make it easier for them to reach out to you.
• Locate community resources for people involved in an abusive relationship. Also, if the person is afraid an abusive partner will retaliate if they leave, help create a safety plan.
• Above all, be patient. Let the person make their own decisions at their own pace. It can be very difficult to leave a violent relationship, especially if they still love or feel loved by the partner or are afraid leaving will lead to further violence.

For a listing of local community resources available to assist victims of violent relationships, see Help Is Available: Dating Violence and Abuse Resources.