What is sibling rivalry? 

Sibling rivalry is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters.  It is a concern for almost all parents of two or more kids. Problems often start right after the birth of the second child.  Sibling rivalry usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents.  There are lots of things parents can do to help their kids get along better and work through conflicts in positive ways.  Read on for tips and resources to help you keep the peace at your house.

What’s the up-side of having more than one child?

Most likely your kids’ relationship will eventually develop into a close one. Working things out with siblings gives your children a chance to develop important skills like cooperating and being able to see another person’s point of view.

What causes sibling rivalry?

There are many factors that contribute to sibling rivalry:

• Each child is competing to define who they are as an individual.  As they discover who they are, they try to find their own talents, activities, and interests.  They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.
• Children feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline, and responsiveness.
• Children may feel their relationship with their parents is threatened by the arrival of a new baby. 
• Your children’s developmental stages affect how well they can share your attention and get along with one another. 
• Children who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to start fights.
• Children may not know positive ways to get attention from their brother or sister, so they pick fights. 
• Family dynamics play a role. For example, one child may remind a parent of a relative who was particularly difficult, and this may subconsciously influence how the parent treats that child. 
• Children will fight more with each other in families where there is no understanding that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts. 
• Families that don’t share enjoyable times together will probably have more conflict.
• Stress in the parent’s lives can decrease the amount of attention parents give the children and increase sibling rivalry. 
• Stress in your children’s lives can shorten their fuses, and create more conflict.
• How parents treat their kids and react to conflict can make a big difference in how well siblings get along.  Read on to find out more….

How can I help my kids get along better?

The basics:

• Never compare your children.  This one is a “biggie”.
• Don’t typecast.  Let each child be who they are.  Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.
• Don’t play favorites.
• Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete.  For example, have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other.
• Pay attention to the time of day and other patterns in when conflicts usually occur.  Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned activity when the kids are at loose ends could help avert your kids’ conflicts.
• Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other.  Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play.
• Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal.  Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs.  Even if you are able to do everything totally equally, your children will still feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.
• Plan family activities that are fun for everyone.  If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict.  It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
• Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own.  Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected.

Be there for each child:

• Set aside “alone time” for each child.  Each parent should spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis.  Try to get in at least a few minutes each day.  It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.
• When you are alone with each child, ask them once in a while what they like most and least about each brother and sister.  This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!
• Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family.  They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.
• Celebrate your children’s differences.
• Let each child know they are special—just for whom they are.

Resolving conflicts:

• Research shows that while you should pay attention to your kids’ conflicts (so that no one gets hurt, and you notice abuse if it occurs), it’s best not to intervene.  When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one).  This escalates the conflict, because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that they can get away with more since the parent is “on their side.” 
• Help your kids develop the skills to work out their conflicts on their own.  Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc.  Give them the tools, then express your confidence that they can work it out, by telling them, “I’m sure you two can figure out a solution.”  Don’t get drawn in.
• Don’t yell or lecture.  It won’t help.
• It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel.  Hold children equally responsible when ground rules get broken.
• In a conflict, give your kids a chance to express their feelings about each other.  Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings.  Help your kids find words for their feelings.  Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.
• Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.
• Give your kids reminders.  When they start picking on each other, help them remember how to state their feelings to each other.  Don’t solve the problem for them, just help them remember how to problem solve.
• If you are constantly angry at your kids, no wonder they are angry at each other!  Anger feeds on itself.  Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your children how to manage theirs. 
• Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.
• Model good conflict resolution skills for your kids.  

When to intervene:

• Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately.  Separate the children.  When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed. 
• If your children are physically violent with each other, and/or one child is always the victim and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse.  You should probably seek professional help. 

Involve your children in setting ground rules.  Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles.  Here are a few ideas:

• In a conflict, no hurting (hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is allowed.
• No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.
• If the kids fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out.
• Any child who demands to be first, will go last.
• No making fun of a child who is being punished, or you get the same punishment.
• No fighting in the car, or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again.
• If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your kids certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices
• If borrowing is a problem, have the child who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral—a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned.

What are family meetings, and how can they help with sibling rivalry?

A family meeting is a meeting for all family members to work together to make family decisions and choices by working together. Parents, children, and any others who live in the home and have a stake in decisions affecting the daily life of the family should take part.. Choose a time that works for everyone. 

There are two leadership roles at the family meetings: (1) a chairperson who keeps the meeting on track and sees that everyone's opinion is heard and (2) a secretary who takes notes at the meeting, writes them up and reads the minutes at the next meeting. Parents can assume these duties at the first meeting. Later, other family members should take turns so that no one has total responsibility for these tasks.

The purpose of the family meeting is to recognize that everyone's opinion makes a difference. Family meetings help to build cooperation and responsibility, and it make anger and rebellion less likely. Also, it is a time to share love, develop unity, and to build trust and self-esteem. The social skills and attitudes that children develop within the family circle are the skills and attitudes they will carry with them the rest of their lives.

Sample Agenda for Family Meetings: (1)

• Discuss family issues, concerns, interests, and positive events of past week.
• Determine priority issue(s).
• Clarify the issue to be discussed.
• Generate possible solutions.
• Determine the most effective solutions.
• Make plans to implement the solution.
• Plan one fun activity for the coming week.  

Ground Rules for Family Meetings: (2)

• Everyone gets a chance to talk
• One person talks at a time and does not get interrupted
• Okay to say what you feel
• No one has to talk
• Everyone has to listen
• No one puts anyone else down

What are some other resources to help parents help their kids get along better?

Check out these related topics on YourChild:

• New baby siblings
• Sibling Abuse
• Siblings of kids with special needs
• Parenting Resources has great ideas for positive discipline.
• Behavior Problems has more on how to change kids’ behavior.

More resources for parents:

• Excellent, creative ideas for how to set up your house and routines to help kids get along better. 
• A good pamphlet on how to minimize rivalries, with lots of examples.
• Teen sibling rivalry can seem like a whole different ballgame.  Here are some ideas to help older kids get along better and reduce conflict.
• How does birth order affect sibling rivalry?

Resources for you and your kids:

• Sibling Rivalry discussion for tweens from pbskids.org.
• Print out coloring posters for your kids that talk about cooling down when you’re angry, and rules for fighting fair.  Once they’re colored, talk about them with your kids and put them up on the fridge or wall, so you can point them out as a reminder when things start to heat up.
• Here are two activities for you to try with your kids on these handouts from a workshop on sibling rivalry.  Go to Handout 3 on page 20 pf this pdf document, which is a guide to working with your children to help them think through conflict resolution.  The very last page (page 21) is a puppet activity to do with your kids involving acting out their conflict and then analyzing it.

What are some good books for parents on sibling rivalry?

Read at least one of these two books to give you a better understanding of how family relationships affect how your kids get along.  These books contain tools and techniques you can begin using right away.  They are both easy to read, and have lots of examples.

• Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
• Beyond Sibling Rivalry:  How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring and Compassionate, by Peter Goldenthal

Another book that may be helpful is:

• 101 Activities for Siblings Who Squabble: Projects and Games to Entertain and Keep the Peace, by Linda Williams Aber
  Ideas for games and activities for children aged three to eight.

What are some good kids’ books that deal with sibling relationships?

• I Love You the Purplest, by Barbara Joosse
  Ages 4-9.  Two brothers compete for their mom’s attention and love.  She shows them she loves them for their special selves.
• Queen of the World, by Thomas Yezerski.
  Ages 4-9.  A realistic portrayal of three sisters’ rivalries in a loving family.
• Do Like Kyla, by Angela Johnson.
  Ages 4-9.  A younger sister wants to do everything like her older sister.
• Sheila Rae’s Peppermint Stick, by Kevin Henkes.
  Preschool.  Sheila Rae taunts and torments her little sister and refuses to share her peppermint stick.  Has a win-win ending.

References

Written and compiled by Kyla Boyse, R.N.  Reviewed by faculty and staff at the University of Michigan

Updated April 2008

U-M Health System Related Sites:
Department of Psychiatry
U-M Pediatrics

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The information and links we provide are reviewed by University of Michigan developmental and behavioral pediatricians and child psychologists who are experts in child behavioral health. In choosing the links we provide, we use strict criteria to ensure that the information is accurate, and the source is reputable. As much as possible, we focus on information that is based on research. In areas where there is inadequate research, we include information compatible with prevailing expert opinion.

This website is updated regularly, but because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, we cannot be responsible for misinformation that may be accessed through the links provided. As always, this website is not a tool for self-diagnosis, and is not a substitute for professional care.

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