|
What
do I need to know about adding a new baby into our family?
Sibling
rivalry usually starts right after, (or even before) the
arrival of the second child. The older child often becomes
aggressive, “acts out” or even regresses. Regression means
acting more like a baby—for example, by wanting a bottle, or
peeing their pants. It’s important to prepare your older child
when you know you are expecting a new baby. Kids need to know
what to expect, and they need time to adjust. After your baby
arrives, there are lots of things you can do to make the adjustment
easier on your older child.
Having another
child in the family may be one of the tougher things your older
child has to deal with, but eventually, it may be one of the
greatest gifts you can give them.
How
can I prepare my child ahead of time for their new baby sibling?
Here are some
things you should do to help prepare your older child:
- Tell your
child about your pregnancy when you tell your friends. Your child
needs to hear about it from you, not from someone else.
- If you plan
to move your child to a new bed and/or bedroom, do so well before
the baby arrives, so your older child doesn’t feel displaced by
the baby. This also goes for any other major changes, like weaning
and toilet training.
- Check with
your hospital about sibling preparation classes and hospital tours.
- Bring your
child to prenatal visits so they can meet your birth attendant.
- Give them
a realistic idea of what to expect when the baby first arrives.
You will be tired, and the baby will take lots of your time.
The baby will not be able to do much at first, except eat, sleep,
poop, pee and cry. The baby will not be a playmate.
- Visit friends
with a new baby, if possible.
- Read books
about pregnancy, birth, newborns, and baby siblings with your
child (see below for some suggestions). Give them a chance to ask questions, voice concerns, and
vent feelings inspired by the books.
- Look at
pictures/video of your older child’s birth and babyhood. Tell
them about their birth and what they were like as a baby. Tell
them how excited you were when they were born, and how everyone
wanted to see them and hold them.
- Have your
child practice holding a doll and supporting the head. Teach
them how to touch and hold a baby very gently.
- Let them
participate in preparations in any way possible. Give them choices,
such as choosing the baby’s coming home outfit from two acceptable
options.
- Should your
child be present for the baby’s birth? Many families have found
this to be a very positive experience, but it is not necessarily
right for every family. If you do decide to have your child at
the birth, make sure you have an adult caregiver whose only job
is to be there for the child. Prepare your child thoroughly, by
watching videos of births with them, bringing them to midwife
or OB appointments, and talking with them about what it may be
like. It may be nice to give them a special, age-appropriate job,
such as cutting the umbilical cord or putting on the hat.
Why
is it hard for an older child to adjust to a new baby?
There are
many things that can contribute to a difficult adjustment:
- Research
indicates that a child’s personality has the most effect on
how they react to a new baby.
- Children
with the closest relationships with their mothers show the
most upset after the baby is born.
- Children
with a close relationship with their father seem to adjust
better.
- Your child’s
developmental stage may affect how well they can share your
attention. Often two-year-olds have lots of trouble getting
used to a new baby, because their needs for time and closeness
from their parents are still great.
- Stress
on the family can make your older child’s adjustment harder.
- See Sibling
Rivalry on YourChild for more on causes.
To get
a sense of how your older child might feel about the addition
of the new baby, imagine this:
Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, "Honey, I love you so much, and you're so wonderful that I've decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you." When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he's very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. "Isn't (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart... You are precious!" Then they turn to you and ask, "How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?"
How
can I help my child adjust to the new baby once it’s here?
- Set
aside special time for your older child. Each parent should
spend some one-on-one with the older child every day. It’s
amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one
time can mean to your child (and help their behavior!).
- Listen—really
listen—to how your child feels about the baby and the changes
in your family. If they express negative feelings, acknowledge
them. Help your child put their feelings into words. Never deny
or discount your child’s feelings.
- Make sure
it is very clear that absolutely no hurting is allowed. Give
your child other ways to express bad or angry feelings they
may have toward the baby. For example, they could draw an
angry picture of the baby, or act out their wishes with dolls,
or roar like a lion.
- “Baby” your
child, if that’s what they seem to crave. This may help stave
off regression in areas that are less acceptable to you. There
is a tendency to expect your child to become more independent
when you have a new baby. If you expect less independence,
you are more likely to get more!
- Have the
new baby and older child exchange gifts.
- Have some
special “big brother” or “big sister” gifts to give your child
as friends and relatives start showing up with baby gifts,
so your older child won’t feel left out.
- Remind
visitors to pay attention to your older child, and not just
the baby.
- Make sure
the older child has some special, private space, and things
of their own that they don’t have to share with the baby.
- Give them
special jobs that they can do to help the family and help with
the baby’s care (but don’t overdo it—take your cue from your
child on this).
- Let them
participate in the baby’s care—baths, dressing, pushing the
stroller, etc.
- Point out
the benefits of being an older child, like choosing what to
eat, being able to go the park and play, and having friends.
What
other resources (including Spanish information) are there?
Are
there any good books for parents on adding a new sibling
into the family?
Either of
these books would be helpful to read while you are expecting
your second (or third) child. Both address many issues, including
parents’ feelings about a second pregnancy; helping your firstborn
adjust; understanding rivalry issues; the father's role; setting
up a family birth plan; and managing two or more kids while sustaining
your marriage.
- From
One Child to Two: What to Expect, How to Cope, and How to
Enjoy Your Growing Family, by Judy Dunn.
- And
Baby Makes Four : Welcoming a Second Child into the Family,
by Hilory Wagner
What
books can I read to my child to help with adjusting to
the new baby?
There are lots
of great children’s books about pregnancy, birth, adoption, and
new baby siblings. Reading books with your child will help them
prepare for and understand what is happening in your family. Books
about feelings will help your child know that all their mixed-up
feelings are normal and okay. Books can spark conversations between
you and your child about their worries, questions, and feelings
about the new baby.
Toddlers:
- We
Have a Baby, by Cathryn Falwel.
Simple
text and illustrations. What can you do with a new baby?
- The
New Baby by Fred Rogers.
For
toddlers and preschoolers. Nice photos of families working
together and sharing.
- Our
New Baby, by Wendy Cheyette Lewison.
Great
photos and simple text for very young children.
- How
A Baby Grows, by Nola Buck.
- My Baby
Brother Has Ten Tiny Toes, by Laura Leuck.
- 101
Things to do with a Baby, by Jan Ormerod.
- Spot's
Baby Sister, by Eric Hill.
- Sisters,
by Debbie Bailey & Susan Huszar.
- Baby
Born, by Anastasia Suen.
Preschoolers:
- Julius,
the Baby of the World, by Kevin Henkes.
Lilly
thinks all the attention given to her baby brother Julius
is “disgusting!” but then she finds inside herself a fierce
love and protectiveness.
- A Baby
for Max, by Kathryn Lasky and Maxwell Knight.
A
small boy's view of his new baby sister--as told in his own
words, with black and white photos.
- Will
there be a lap for me? by Dorothy Corey.
When
a boy’s mother is pregnant, her lap gets smaller and smaller. After
the baby is born, she is very busy, but she makes some special
time for her older son.
- When
the New Baby Comes, I’m Moving Out, and Nobody Asked
Me if I Wanted a Baby Sister, by Martha Alexander
Oliver
expresses his feelings about having a baby sister.
- Big
Brother, Little Brother, by Penny Dale.
Brothers
can make each other feel better.
- A New
Baby at Koko Bear's House, by Vicky Lansky.
Includes
tips for parents at the bottom of each page.
- Oonga
Boonga, by Carol Thompson.
The
big brother is the only one who can calm the baby.
- A Place
for Ben, by Jeanne Titherington.
Ben’s
baby brother moves into his room.
- Waiting
for Baby and Talk, Baby! by Harriet Ziefert.
Fun
books—kids like them.
- How
You Were Born, I’m a Big Brother and I’m a
Big Sister, by Joanna Cole
- Arthur's
Baby, by Marc Brown.
Lift-the-flap
boardbook.
- The
New Baby, by Mercer Mayer
Preschool
though school-age:
- Being
Born, by Sheila Kitzinger and Lennart Nilsson
Simple
text and color photos explain conception through birth.
- Before
You Were Born: the Inside Story and Baby Science,
by Ann Douglas.
Fun
science books about pregnancy and what babies are like to help
prepare the big sibling.
- Mommy’s
in the Hospital Having a Baby, by Maxine Rosenberg.
From
the child’s point of view, tells what to expect when mom goes
into the hospital to give birth to a new baby sibling.
- Darcy
and Gran Don’t Like Babies, by Jane Cutler.
Darcy’s
grandma helps her with her complex feelings toward the new
baby.
- A Baby
Sister for Frances, by Russell & Lillian Hoban.
- Welcoming
Babies, by Margy Burns Knight.
Describes
different cultures’ welcoming traditions.
- The
New Baby at Your House, by Joanna Cole.
Ages
3-6. Great photos and simple discussion of what it’s like
to have a new baby, and older children’s feelings about the
baby.
- Hello
Baby! by Lizzy Rockwell.
Ages
4-8. An older brother explains the baby’s prenatal development
and birth in simple, straightforward terms.
- My New
Baby and Me: A First Year Record Book for Big Brothers and
Sisters, by Dian Smith.
- Arthur's
Baby, by Marc Brown.
- Pinky
and Rex and the New Baby, by James Howe.
For
older school-aged kids. Rex’s family adopts a new baby, and
she tries to be a perfect big sister, while worrying that her
parents will forget about her.
Are
there any videos for kids that deal with new baby siblings?
- Arthur’s
Baby
- Sesame
Street: A New Baby in my House
What are some related topics on YourChild?
Still have questions about this topic? Go to
our survey to ask your questions, and we’ll try
to answer them on an upcoming
YourChild podcast.
|
Written and compiled by Kyla Boyse, R.N. Reviewed by faculty and staff at the University of Michigan
Updated February 2007
U-M Health System Related Sites:
Department of Psychiatry
U-M Pediatrics
Our editorial policy
The information and links we provide are reviewed by University of Michigan developmental and behavioral pediatricians and child psychologists who are experts in child behavioral health. In choosing the links we provide, we use strict criteria to ensure that the information is accurate, and the source is reputable. As much as possible, we focus on information that is based on research. In areas where there is inadequate research, we include information compatible with prevailing expert opinion.
This website is updated regularly, but because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, we cannot be responsible for misinformation that may be accessed through the links provided. As always, this website is not a tool for self-diagnosis, and is not a substitute for professional care.
Back to Child Development &
Behavior Topics >
|
